Saturday, January 5, 2019

My New New Year!

January 1, 2019
 
     The start of a new year!  When you say that what comes to your mind? I think something new, different, change, a year of changes. Surprise! my new year is exactly the same as last year in a sense.
     I still take out the trash.  I still fill the car up with gas.  I still drive myself where ever I need to go.  I still do all the cooking.  I still shovel the snow.  I still change the light bulbs.  I still fix the toilet seat when it wiggles.  I still take the car for an oil change (when I remember).  I still pay the bills.  I still make all the decisions running a household.  I still try to put things together that I buy.  I have learned how to use different screw drivers and a drill.  I still have many holes in the wall where my picture hanging skills failed.  I ask you, where is my "new year"?
     Things like I mentioned have been in my life now for 17 months.  You see, my George died 17 months ago in an accident.  From that time until right now, I have lived a "new year" for 17 months.  There were so many "learn how to do" in my life and still grieve for my George was overwhelming.  I felt like a bull with all the "I still's" on my back.  I wanted to throw them off.  I kicked, I cried, I screamed, I fell, I ran, I denied, every single day for months.  I grieved the loss of my George.  Yet, everyday living of  "I still's" was mine to do.  No George to help.  No George to advise. No George to tell me everything is going to be okay.  No George to be by my side. No George period!
     I have a feeling that all my "new year" is going to be just like the last 17 months of what I have been through.  There will be just me doing the "I still's".  But you know something.  I have reached a level in my grief where I can honestly say, "I am thankful to God".  My George would never have wanted to live as broken as he was.  God was merciful.  I know we will be together in heaven one day.  He is waiting patiently for me.  I will greet him with open arms.
     God is good.

June 3, 2019 Here I am!  Still here!  It was a hard winter with below normal temperatures.  Then in Spring we had a hard snow over 12 inch...